Monday, December 22, 2008

Ramblin Blues

I gotta walk.

I got me some new shoes

They have soles that haven't been worn.

I crave connection and I get corrections

Can someone say somethin meaningful?

Can someone gimme a hand?

Can someone help me ease this pain

Can someone wash me clean again

Can I dry off in the sun light

Can I have a hand that will hold me tight

and tell me

baby you will be alright.

I'd be willin to walk to you

But You have gotta want me to

I don't wanna plant a seed that ain't gonna grow

So tell me about your soil

will it support this flower

or let it go

I don't wanna plant in cement

I want to get close to you

I want to know you

I want to see you

andI want you to know about me

I want you to see me

I want you to want me

As I think that I want you.

I want you to want to know who I am

I want you to try to read me

I want you to be home to me

and I want to be home to you

I want to take your hand

I want you to take my hand

And we could see if we could understand one another


I got some flavors

spice for emotions

Sweet for caring

Sour for I got ur back no matter what

rich for love

chocolate for adventure

Chocolate mixed with delectable cherry or raspberry sauce for particularly special adventures.

fresh for spring plantings

zing for movin

fine for good lovin

Strawberries of innocence

Dulce De Lece of complication

Coffee of Sunday Morning

Cookies and Cream of Childhood

Mint Chocolate Chip of temptation

Chai Vanilla of not giving in too soon

Horse Raddish of Jealousy

Man these flavors keep passin over my tongue

But my tongue wants to pass over you

I want u to taste my flavors and decide if they fit your tongue

Would your interest be peaked?
Writin Words

How do writers arrange their words

with such precision and such grace?

How do they get them outta their head

and down to the page

It ain't exact

My words feel so useless against all the others

I can't get them outta my head

and on to the Page

I ain't exact

Can any one tell me

How they can do it

Get these words out in the world

No one hears me

Late at night

The neighbors look

Then shut the light

I guess that's pretty exact

Yeah that's exact

But put me in a bar
way out in the smoky back
give me a bottle of rum or gin
soon I'll be stumblin

That'll be exact

Or give me a shinny new razor blade
I'll make me some red red lines
slash em here and slash em there
you'll hear me fine

That's a point exact

How can I tell you

About this monster eating me alive?

How do words tell you my experience

of a padded cell

With a rat on my head

lying naked before you

me and my demon

I have no defenses

How will words tell you what this feels like

up on my insides

Well it ain't exact

They tell me to talk

talk talk talk talk talk

talk talk talk talk talk and talk some more

for the 50 minute hour

and so I talk I talk and talk and talk I talk talk talk until I bore you

Ah man I just ain't exact
Empty Spaces

These thoughts are hard to say
This rambling mess in my head
is hard to put words on
These words are hard to let outta my mouth
Cause if I do the mess the world calls feelings become real

I love you
Now its real
Yet I don't even know you
Now its real
And yet in my heart I know that I love you
And that is realer than any real I've ever seen before
And I seen a lotta real

Real Hard
Heat on the Streets
Two souls meetin
Geetin it dirty on dirty sheets
Then they leave anonymously
with a wink and nothin more
We all got our stories
wat're yours?

But I can't push too hard
It's real
And laying back and waiting ain't my style
I am not that kind of gal

But pushing will push you away

And I love you
I love you
I love a girl I don't even know
And these feelings are so real

Now my story is real
And I risk having a new story
a love unrequited
desire stuck inside
Like a fire ready to burst

So my cards are on the table
And I know thats not a good way to play the game
I was never very good at games anyway
I am good at to the point and in the box confrontation of defenses
But not at playin games

I love you
I love you
I love you

And I don't even know you

My cards are on the table babe
The whole world can see
I'm sittin at the table
Waitin on ya
its hell this waitin
For the yes or the no
Its hell to sit here waitin with my defenses in a closet
And my naked cards on the table
Speak for the child

I am knee deep in the deception
No one wants to make the connection
when mama hurts her baby
and daddy's doin drugs
and siblings are tryin to survive on their own
children are gonna live on loan
They won't care about thier life
cause they are too angry
Momma and daddy have stolen their perception
They don't know what they see
they can't figure out what they are hearing
They funny smell of daddy's bourbon kiss?
They know not what they taste or feel
A scratchy face that kisses a little too long
Questions they ask go unanswered
Leavin these kids drowning in this deception
They throw chairs in place of the Chrysler building
They scream in the middle of the night
They can't sit still in a classroom
They can't bee trapped that long
They can't get their numbers
Yhey don't learn the abc's
They don't read books or play with toys
Cause they live dangerously
Their who what when where why and how's were all stollen
Taken in the night
Their perception was challenged
The world turned upside down
They are an alien
Cryin out their need
But they are talkin in a language
The grownups take no heed
They create the deception
Cause they tell em their perception
Is wrong
Nothing is amiss
Nothing strange has occurred
Its normal for daddy to go into a coma standing up
And for moma to hit her cubs

The Grand Concourse

why does my life have to hurt so much
Why do I always seem to make a mistake
There is always some small bit of information that I have overlooked

Why is love always eluding me?

I find someone I want
I Jump right in
I Make my move
I'm a god damned shit ass fucking fool
I don't actually look before i jump
I lay my cards right there on the table
Before I gather the pertinent data
So I get hurt a lot
Cause I forget to take silence for no
And I keep asking any way
Without thinking that there might be someone else that i didn't know about

I'm a fool

But the shit don't feel good anymore
and I am not ok
I am just left here reelin
While the shitter rich kids take my home away
They ain't got no dueeeeeees to pay.
So now no love, and no place to call home
I am in a shitter place today.

I know what its like to go from place to place
Singin out my heart
Till i get blue in my face
I know what its like to be 5 feet and 7 full inches tall
With very brown hair and I clearly don't shop in the shopping mall
I have a low down bluesy feel to me
That's written on the paper I send
They was lookin for the 4 foot eleven inch blonde hair soprano
I clearly ain't that ballarina gal shoppin in that shoppin mall

But the people runnin the show get me up at 4 am to come down and wait. I sing two lines of my greatest hit...

Thank you, Next.

Yeah, I know that scene full of rejection and dejection and I hadda give it up before i was dead.

Yeah I paid my fucking dues till show business put my vision of my self right down the New York sewer. I thought a street rat had more of a right to the pursuit of happiness than I did.

I got myself some therapy
And learned about me
And had some terrible flashes of what is in my history
It took a damn long time to work out all the kinks
Now I try to sing my song again
And I am tryin to say it with words

So to cut my costs of livin, I ended up in the end up in the place
where no one wants to go
With left over tampons and leftover phillie blunts left over all over
With heat about half the time and harrassment all of the time
This place is hunger town
Ain't no way out once your in
Too much competition
Anger and confusion
The boulevard holds kids
With names they call each other
sticks and stones will hurt here cause under those are guns and under that is death

And momma and daddy drink coctails on the stoop, with pink lemon aid beer

While uncle willy does his crack dance till he satisfies his dilly dad
Aunt Minnie's stuck on Fordham
She'd doin the herion hang and nodding into traffic She'll wake in about an hour
Withdrawls makin her so sick she'll steal from her best friend or her daughter
To get another 10 dollar bag and start it all again

There are dues to pay every day
And they are always usin force (the [police, the dealers, the treatment programs, and mama and papa too)

On The Grand Concourse

Yesterday's Cigarrettes

Smoking Yesterday’s Cigarettes

Smoking yesterday's cigarettes

Sucking all the liquor down too

We combed the carpet for cocaine

Then we sang the blues

We lived in a world so cold and empty

We were both so lonely sitting right there in each other's arms

We were livin in a hungry town

We had no money and we we stood no ground

And all that we could do, yeah honey all that we could do was to

Smoke yesterday's cigarettes

Suck all the liquor down too

I started to cut up my arms

You were singin the blues

But now you have left me

You left this whole damn dimension

You were sick and didn't tell no one

I just looked around one day and you were gone

Now I am stranded on this earth with its gravity

I am horrified you are gone

I am lonely and I miss you

I wonder what we could have wanted for each other

I wonder what we would have said

I wonder if I would have felt your soul

As it left your sick bed?

And baby can I ask you

What did you feel

What was it like for you

When your soul from your body you peeled

Now I have put down my defenses

I ain't smokin no more

I ain't dripped one drop of liquor

I ain't felt steel so fine

All I can do babe

Is feel this pain like a mass

Must be like the tumor that killed you

This empty sad sadness




We smoked yesterday's cigarettes

Sucked all the liquor down too

We combed the carpets for cocaine

Now I'm sayin good bye to you

I am sayin good bye to you.

Night of Ecstasy

Night of Ecstasy
If you could know me
I would allow.

If you would take me,
I could offer.

If you'd answer I'd call

Cause I'm all wrapped up in you
I got your smell in my nose
I got your taste on the tip of my tongue
I got your music ringin its melodies and rhythms in my ears
And your eyes won't leave my eyes alone.

I know you don't know me

But don't you worry babe, cause I don't need you next to me
For our nights of ecstasy.
I can imagine you there
I can create you
I can make my skin feel your skin
I can build the beat of your pulse under my finger tips

But my wishin won't stop dilly dallyin in my head you know...
I jump at every ring of the phone, is it you?
I think I see you on the corner waitin for me with flowers.
But its a mirage
cause I'm so parched

Ah Babe I'm used to lonely long nights
I'm used to the ecstacy I create by myself
But in my deepest self I hold you
I run my fingertips over your ribs
playing each one
I sing your song
I move you over to me
And we share this night of ecstasy
Again and again we reach heaven before dawn

And then theres coffee
Our eyes meet and yours are so warm. And I am a little shy.
And the day begins again.
And then the night
the night filled with ecstasy
I fit in you
you in me
we are a perfect we
I know and you know
just where to be
We hit all the right spots
We take each other to the top and explode
Your lips find my lips and they are real lips
not picture lips
Our arms and legs get confused
The positions get out of control
As the explosions and fireworks and tidal waves of ecstasy rain down again and again
Helping us loose control

The whole world stops
Nothing is moving but pulsating blood beating through veins
The colors drown out all the noise
Cause this is perfect

And as we melt away, we drift off with the tide little tremors of leftover butterflies travel deliciously through our bellies.

Ah but I awaken
And you are not by my side
You don't know me
You don't even want to.
You don't answer
Or aknowledge my existence

Oh man these nights of ecstacy I spend all alone
There's room for too
Your invited
Just pick up the phone and dial my number and I will come and find you.

Belly Button Blues

Belly Button Blues

My Belly button
Wants to rock and roll
My Belly Button
wants to Rock and roll
Will ya kick it to me baby
Listen to that belly button crawl

My belly button wanna slither an moan
My belly button wanna slither an moan
Won't ya come and find me honey?
put some cherries in my bowl

There's a pair a lips
hidin in between my hips
There's a pair of lips that are hidin there between my hips
Those lips are like the belly button
They just wanna shudder on home

Sugar won't com
Rock and roll with me
Ah sugar won't you come rock and roll with me
Sugar if you rock with me
baby I'll roll ya all night long

Mama Mary

Mama Mary

Won't you visit me?

Oh Mama Mary won't you come see me

Oh maaaaaaama

I been restless and chilled

Oh maaaaaama

I been so damn un fufilled

I tell you I walk a my self many a road
I kissed me some ugly ole toads
and still I'm a wanderin here mama
Still i wander

Mama Mary
Won't you visit me?
Mama Mary
Won't you visit me
Oh mama
oh mama
I ask you please come see me

I'm on the floor
I'm on my knees
I'm cryin and humble can't you see me please?

Mama mary
Mama mary
Mama Mary

Come and take my soul

Mama Mary I need your grace
Mama Mary
I need some a your peace
Mamaaaaaaa Mary
Oh Maaaaaaaama Mary

Won't you come visit me?
Harlem in the 80’s

How do you get outta the hood
When the hood is in your head?

And the very
The chambers of my heart
The are like Harlem in the 80's
it's way late after dark

My emotions are the burnt out buildings
the windows eyes that don't see
The walls themselves
A squatter's paradise
Heroin Crack
Rats and mice

How do I get outta the hood
when the hood is in my head
And the very chambers of my heart
Arelike Harlem in the 80's
And its way late after dark

There's a person that lives in me
her name is no
every time I want to up and outta here
She tells me don't you go

She took my potential
and put it on a shelf to High
Every time I reach for it
No says Don't you try.

How do I get out of the hood when the hood is in my head?
And the chambers of my heart
They are like Harlem in the 80's
And it's way late after dark


All summer I have wondered what the Karmic lesson is in my getting fired. I mean it was such a cruel firing... defamation of character, lies, falsifying health insurance papers. I mean these people were cruel, really cruel.

When things are very emotionally intense I always figure theres a karmic lesson in the situation at least. The pain must teach me something, or else why not off with my head?

So the lesson is this

Well 2 lessons. I had to stay alive to read Marley and Me by John Grogan. I actually Laughed out loud many times in the park. I NEVER laugh out loud, chuckle, smile. But I was ROFLMAO. This is worth staying alive to read.

The second lesson is about love. (Are there any other lessons that hurt so bad???????)

I have been married to my psychotherapy positions. WOW. I got out of acting/performing in 2000 cause I was married to that. Instead of a wife I was married to the stage and damn it I wanted a set of matching dishes and towels, and furniture that we BOTH pick out. I didn't WANT to travel alone any more. So I figured a switch might help.

Well See I have this issue of Dissociation. i often forget what I just said or decided (that's where writing is REALLY helpful). So for 8 years i just married social work instead. Trauma, a specialty close to my heart replaced acting and singing and dancing. So instead of performing about these issues, I was caring for others who are dealing with them.

Again I got married to work.

Well work doesn't keep me warm at night, or hug me and kiss me. Work doesn't bring me flowers, and work sure as hell is NOT going to buy matching dishes with me.

Work will move into my head and take up all of the space so i won't look for love in real places. Work will make me go the the hardware store for love; not the love department. Work wants me all for itself.

oh hell work can be worse than drinkin and cutting and drugs too. Cause there is such a need to work hard there are all these bills to pay see.

Again I repeat, like empty liquor bottles, used up drugs, and bloddy razor blades... none of that including work will kiss me at the end of the day and tell me I am ok just the way I am. Work won't love me cause I am me. Love will love me cause i am me. And from this day forward I have the intention (nb: not perfection) to look for love in the LOVE department, not the hardware store.

You can't Break my Heart

You CAN"T Break my Heart

You can't break my heart
cuz I can face that dark

My heart ain't whole any way
It won't break in the light of day

So don't you worry about me
I have stood on the precipice of love
I have fallen from far and above

So just this moment
right now right here
let me look at your eyes for real
let me kiss your lips
let me touch the skin on your face
lets not think of nighttime mistakes

In my world ain't no such thing as buyer's remorse
Changin your mind is ok
You can think of me as an angel of the night
I am gone as it gets light

You can't break my heart
I can face the dark
just give me honesty
And that's enough
Tell me what you think and feel
Tell me only what is real

You can't break my heart
Cause I can face the dark
And before the light of day dawns
I'll be long gone

Sweet 16

Sweet 16
Baby is 16
and she is makin a new baby
Grandma will be barely 40
When a new grandma she will be

And the dreams that baby once had
Of lipstick and prom dress gowns
Are turning into diaper pails
And fevers that won't go down

She's like a harkened angel
Sent from god above
Cause she's gives us a pregnant pause
To thank goodnes
For what we are not

But baby still has her dreams and she's thinkin they will come true
despite the vomit and loose shit
and no food for her or her brood

Her man who she thought was such a lover
left when the bundle arrived
There's one dream that's down the drain
Now grandma's got to step in
And make once again give up her life

Why is it always the women left with the evidence of love
Why are the women responsible
for raising next years
Junkies, boozers and thugs?

Cuz it seems like it never changes
When changes in money have to be made

They take it away from babies
Don't matter if they are just 16
Cause they are left responsible for the generation yet to be
They are the ones
with the pregnant pause
But not before it is too late

And the choice is a mighty catch 22
The death of a baby or you?
Do you dream of the Prom and College and a promising life
Or do you dream of screaming in the night?

Children are the future, and the wonder of new life is huge
But why don't we question the captains of the foot ball teams
About the death choices they have made
When they abandoned their lovers for foot ball feilds
Not thinking of the people growing inside?